Honor Can Grow Up

Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee.

Deuteronomy 5:16

Read Deuteronomy 5. Focus on verses 6 through 21, especially verse 16. The command to honor parents is spoken within a covenant community of households and generations. It does not address only a small child's behavior. Grown people also need to consider what honoring a father or mother requires as relationships and capacities change. For a child, appropriate obedience is an important part of family life. For an adult, honor may take different forms: truthful speech, practical care, respectful disagreement, attention to preferences, or willingness to hear a story already told more than once. The command appears among obligations to God and neighbor. Parents are to be honored as human beings within God's authority, not made into an authority that replaces Him. Honor cannot require participation in wrongdoing, and necessary protection from harmful conduct remains legitimate. Within ordinary caring relationships, a quieter problem often appears. Adult children begin doing things for a parent while gradually ceasing to ask what the parent wants. Efficiency replaces conversation. The person being helped becomes the subject of arrangements made around them. Perhaps a ride is needed. Instead of discussing a suitable time, everyone decides when the parent will be ready. Perhaps belongings need organizing. A drawer is emptied because the contents look unnecessary to the helper, while the person who owns them watches a meaningful part of life disappear. There are situations in which urgent care or diminished capacity requires someone else to act. Even then, respect should remain a concern. In many ordinary situations, however, asking is still entirely possible. A person's slower pace does not make their preferences irrelevant. Honor can also include an honest no. An adult child may be unable to provide every requested visit or accept every opinion. A clear limit spoken without contempt can preserve more dignity than reluctant compliance followed by resentment. The promise attached to this command belongs to Israel's life in the land. It is not a formula guaranteeing a particular lifespan for every dutiful child. It does show that the treatment of parents matters within the health of a community. Consider one practical interaction. Is there a way to provide care that also preserves the person's voice? Honor matures when we stop assuming that love gives us permission to make every decision for someone whose life remains their own. Put It into Practice Before your next ordinary act of assistance, ask how the person would like it handled. Respect the answer where you reasonably can, even if another method would be quicker for you.

Where have you been doing something for a parent without checking whether it is the help they want?

Father of every generation, teach me a mature honor that joins care with respect. Guide difficult limits and ordinary acts of assistance. Keep efficiency from making me impatient with a parent's voice, history, or preferences. Amen.