You Do Not Owe Every Argument a Seat

Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.

Proverbs 26:20

Read Proverbs 26. Focus on verses 4 through 5 and 17 through 22. The argument was nearly finished until someone carried in another piece of information. “You should hear what they said about you.” A conflict that might have cooled now has fresh fuel and a larger audience. Proverbs 26 is unusually alert to the ways foolishness recruits participation. Someone meddles in a quarrel that is not theirs. Someone causes damage and then calls it a joke. Someone repeats private matters and keeps hostility alive. The chapter asks us to notice our role in feeding what we claim to dislike. Its famous pair of sayings about answering a fool can seem contradictory. Verse 4 warns against answering according to a fool's folly, lest we become like them. Verse 5 tells us to answer according to their folly, lest they remain wise in their own eyes. Together, they require judgment. Some replies entangle us in foolish conduct. Others expose an error that should not stand unchallenged. There is no mechanical rule that every provocation deserves a response or every silence is wise. We must consider what the reply would accomplish. Is someone being misled who needs a clear correction? Is the other person capable of engaging? Are we protecting truth or seeking the satisfaction of a final word? The fire image offers another question. What fuel are we supplying? We may be carrying quotations between people, forwarding a humiliating clip, or telling a story under the respectable label of concern. Our contribution may be small, but a small piece of wood still burns. Withholding gossip is not the same as suppressing a report of wrongdoing. Real harm should reach someone able to address it responsibly. The distinction involves purpose and audience. A report seeks protection, accountability, or repair. Gossip seeks circulation. You can decline the role of messenger between resentful people. You can ask whether the absent person has been approached directly. You can correct a false claim without joining the insults attached to it. Sometimes you can close the screen and allow an argument to proceed without your attention. Peace may begin with the supply line. Consider what would happen if you stopped adding material to a conflict for one day. A fire does not need a speech about the virtues of cold ashes. It needs the next piece of wood to remain outside it. Put It into Practice Decline one invitation to circulate a grievance. If there is genuine harm to address, take the facts to an appropriate person rather than a wider audience.

What conflict receives fresh energy each time you retell, forward, or revisit it?

Lord, uncover the pleasure I sometimes take in conflict that should grieve me. Give me judgment about when to answer and when to withdraw. Make my handling of information protective, truthful, and directed toward repair. Amen.